I am so excited to be writing this post. I have been praying for wisdom about the right time to do so. We have now had custody of Nati for 11 weeks and have been home for 9 weeks. Typing those numbers out seems like such a short time but in reality the time those numbers represent also feels like an eternity. Tomorrow will mark 12 weeks since we left our house and boarded our first flight to go to Ethiopia. So much has happened in those 12 weeks that I do not think I could type it all out if I tried. It has been a beautiful time of watching Nati experience new things and watching our family blend together. In most ways it feels like he has always been here. We are making good progress in bonding and attachment.
This progress has taken time, energy, patience and lots of love to accomplish. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to break out of our cocoon. Because of how important routine and consistency is to Nati, change in schedule can sometimes undo some of the progress made. Unfortunately, some of that could not be prevented as he needed medical care very early on in our time home. However, we have tried to minimize every other outing that could wait.
So actually tomorrow is pretty monumental. We will be going to church for the first time as a family of 7!!!
We are so excited to carry Nati into the church that helped bring him home. So many of you have shown our family overwhelming love and support. We are so thankful God gave us a physical reminder of His provision over the last 2 years, through you. Tomorrow morning I will walk into our Sunday School room filled with people who have prayed, cried and celebrated every step of this process with us. I will walk into worship, where we have raised our hands in surrender when we didn't understand and where we have stood with tears streaming down our face as we absorbed God's faithfulness in the waiting.
However, tomorrow I will be holding my son in my arms
...and there will probably be more tears.
*** Below I am sharing a form letter from an adoption resource because it explains so beautifully why we will still be keeping Nati close and asking that your refrain from too much affection for the time being. Please do not be afraid to approach us and be excited to see us. We are certainly very excited to see all of you. ***
Dear Family & Friends,
After almost two years of waiting, our precious Nati is finally home! We know that each of you reading this has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for Nati and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Nati will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will parent like other Christian families as we bring all of them up in the instruction of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.
We are confident of this: God's design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a several caregivers at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Nati's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds. When Nati comes home, he will be overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and family. He has not experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Nati starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.
Nati will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our boy settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Nati. This will (for a while) include things like holding, hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Nati should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted friends.
Another area is redirecting Nati's desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Nati hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you (he's totally irresistible and huggable). But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us who are excited to welcome our son. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious boy. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past two years. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
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