I have honestly been dreading this day for a couple weeks. Not because I am not a mom already but because I knew one of my kiddos would not be waking me up with kisses and making me crafts in Sunday school. I knew I would not be hugging one of my children today and telling them how glad I was that God chose me to be their mommy.
It is hard...this wait...some days are harder than others.
I don't know why. It makes absolutely no sense. It is just another day.
Still days like today tend to make my heart ache more than others.
A little over a week ago I could already feel it coming on. I went into the room which is nothing new. Some of you will wonder what in the world I am talking about so I will explain. Brandon and I already have a room set up in our house with a bed and some toys for the child that will eventually be a part of our family. I often go stand in the room when I need to dream a little and make this whole journey to our child feel more real...more close to happening.
Well last week I did not go into the room to dream. I went in the room to cry...lay out on my face before my Father and cry my heart out to him. I knew today was coming. I knew one child would be missing from my arms that was already in my heart. Let me be totally honest with you I was ready to have a pity party for myself. You know the great thing about laying yourself out there for the Lord to see..
He already knows.
He already knows my heart and that I was choosing to focus on what I didn't have instead of what I do have. He knows that sometimes He has to remind me just how much He has already given me. When I had laid there for a bit I got up, wiped my tears and had a mini praise session. God has been so good to me. He has given me the blessing to be a mom four times. He has been gracious enough to set me on this new journey of becoming a mommy through the process of adoption. He alone has brought me to this point and He alone will be my strength through the wait to hold my little one.
Today I woke up to four beautiful little faces kissing me and wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". I got to go to church with them and worship our Creator. I was able to eat lunch with my mother. I was able to celebrate my sister graduating high school. I will kiss and tuck four babies into their beds under my roof tonight.
I. AM. BLESSED.
While I will not be tucking in our Ethiopia baby tonight I will be praying as I did last night. I will pray that today somebody showed him the love of a mother...the love of the Father. I will pray somebody kissed his little nose and told him he was special. That somebody told him a mommy would be coming for him as soon as she could. Once again I will turn him over to God...all of my children over to God.
He alone sustains and protects them all.
Just yesterday Emme was singing along to the radio in the car
"Nothing formed against me shall stand. He holds the whole world in His hands. I'm holding on to Your promises...You are faithful."
Thankful He is holding all my babies tonight even when one is half way around the world.
